Oh dear God.
So I watched the first episode of the Netflix live-action Cowboy Bebop series, and as much as I wanted to like this, everything about it reminded me of the sort of lame TV network show that 30 Rock's Jack Donoughy might have come up with when he tried to tank NBC.
The opening scene, with John Cho's Spike and Mustafa Shakir's Jet is painful to watch; gurning villainous goons that are too outlandish to be menacing, too stupid to be threatening and too busy mugging at the camera to be amusing are dispatched in an orgy of blood that all looks very CGI. The lead thug bangs on about "corporations" while we wait for the elevator containing Spike to land at the bar. Instead of just shooting the intruder (and there are plenty of dead bodies lying around), the villain tries to talk to Spike, allows him to flip a coin and even waits for Spike to do a clumsy leaping kick to launch the coin - a coin - across the room with enough force to knock the villain backwards. At one point Jet even grabs a thug by her tit, to which she objects and he looks sheepish, before she hits him and he smashes her across the face. Erm... yay?
Of course that's without counting the thug with a cannon that blows a hole through all the station walls, causing people to be sucked into space (what use is this weapon in this environment?) or the slot machine which one thug holds onto for dear life only to get pulled away, fumbling the handle and (ironically?) getting a jackpot.
Okay, let's talk about the script. Now, I studied film at University, I know even a bad script can work with the right actor (Frank Langella's legendary turn as Skeletor, or Raul Julia in Street Fighter, both of whom span gold from turds) but there's no such skill employed here.
It's beyond ludicrous, it's just bloody stupid. I played the scene for Bryony and paused a few times asking her what she thought would happen next, and she nailed every instance. It's predictable tripe.
"God Day-um Spike, I told you to wait for my signal" is delivered with all the acting chops and over-the-top delivery of Mr T.
"Come on Spike, we have to take them alive, how many times have I told you?" Queue Jet immedietely unloading into a rising thug.
"Yeah what was that about taking them alive?" retorts Spike.
Good GOD (Lemon) - were the writers on strike or something?
So Shakir looks the part(ish) but really can't be bothered to act, and Cho does his best, but he's just not smooth enough to convey a character as playful and mischevous as Spike. Instead we get a rather more jaded (and much older) version of the character, which works best when he shows grief or deeper emotion. But fun or charming? No.
Honestly the whole endeavour has the look of older cosplayers re-enacting the anime but without the cheesy charm.
There's no logic in this show whatsoever, and honestly it had a perfectly good template to work with. At one point, Spike is walking around with an ID photo of his bounty with short hair and a suit, after they've already seen him with long dishevelled hair on the planet they're investigating - they know he looks different, they have video footage of him, and yet they use an out-of-date photo that's far less distinctive to show people. In the original show, the photo ID looks like the perp as he is now. These details are important, we need to know that our leads have basic competence if you're trying to dress it up with "comedy"; even Jackie Chan and Chris Rock in Rush Hour were shown to be competent officers.
So it's badly written and badly acted. How does it look?
Well, a mixed bag. The mecha actually looks pretty good to my eye, it's detailed and weathered in a way that looks good on the big screen. The costumes work about as well as stylised cartoon outfits can work in real-life, and though we don't meet Faye in this episode, from what I've seen toning down her outfit was probably the right choice. At least Daniella Pineda doesn't have to worry too much about unwanted male-gaze, becuase nobody with any sense of self-worth will watch this show long enough to see her on it anyway. Oh and Vicious looks laughable, not threatening. Like a bad Lucious Malfoy actually. Finally, the lighting is curious, oddly flat in some scenes and featuring far too much low-grade green-screen to be anything but passable even on an iPad.
And before we get into how live-action adaptations can't possibly look as good on screen, I have one word for you; Daredevil.
Would I watch more of this? No, I'm not justifying this show with a full watch, I've got 101 better things to be doing and wasting my time on this dog turd is simply not worth it. If you want to watch a Cowboy Bebop parody with arguably the worst acting I've seen this year (possibly this decade) then it might be worth watching ironically.
Thank goodness Watanabe has already distanced himself from this drivel. At least we'll always have the anime.
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